Ice Age Trail 50 (1/2 Marathon)

 Ice Age Trail 50 (1/2 marathon) - May 9th, 2026

time = 2:31:05

pace = 11:32

placed 7th in my age group (50-59) out of 34

placed 42nd in women out of 148

placed 116th overall out of 298

strava data here

i was supposed to run the 50K this year, but the training for longer distances historically has proven that i will injure myself.  this year was no exception.  a couple of months before this race, i was sick, and when i went back to the gym after 2 weeks of illness, i managed to pull my sartorius muscle in my left leg.  incidentally, it is the longest muscle in the body, running from the inside of the knee to the outside of the hip.  i pulled it on a bulgarian split squat and just never let it heal, as is my MO with my body.  i've gotten better at listening to my body, but sometimes... i still just work through pain like a dummy.

so i ended up not running for the 2 weeks before the race.  i was also supposed to run chippewa this year again and had to drop from that one too. disappointing for sure but again... trying to listen to my body.

i was going to drop from iceage as well, but changed my mind and dropped down to the 1/2, which i'm really glad i did.  i love love love these races and am always so thrilled to be a part of it.

i arrived at nordic really early so that i could see gabby off as she was unexpectedly running the 50K.  i had a bit of fomo that i had dropped, but just told myself again and again that it was the smart move. 

the most notable thing this year is that i FORGOT MY SHOES!  i went back to my car after seeing gabby off and started getting my things together just to realize that of all the things... i forgot my shoes.  i almost started crying.  i gather my wits and then head over to the merch table and tell tina what happened.  she told me to go ask jeff to make an announcement.  so i walk over to jeff (the race director) and ask him to make an announcement.  he does, and 2 wonderful women come up and offer me their shoes!  i love this community!  this would never have happened in a road race. so i borrowed some woman's shoes (never even got her name!) and went to gather the rest of my things and get ready for the race.

the race went well.  i wasn't fast, but i felt good the whole time... with the exception of my feet.  my calves started cramping within the first 2-3 miles, and that lasted a few miles, but then i also felt blisters forming.  i was able to run through them and finished strong.  i'm pretty proud of this race since i barely ran the weeks before and nothing really hurt besides the blisters.  all things considered, i think i did a pretty good job for having run in someone else's shoes.  quite humorous. 

i'm sticking to the 1/2 going forward.  i'm getting really tired of always having some sort of injury.  it's now about a month later, and my sartorius is still wonky.  i can't say it hurts exactly, but it's not 100%.  i haven't run yet this week since my weekend miles last week aggravated it, and i just felt like i should rest.  

next up is my birthday run.  gabby and i are going to attempt rim to rim to rim.  she seems to think we can do it, no problem, but i have my doubts.  this old body likes to give me trouble, but maybe, just maybe, this will be one more accomplishment i can check off.

Ice Age Trail 50 (1/2 marathon)

Ice Age Trail 50 (1/2 marathon) - May 10th, 2025
time = 2:17:15

pace = 10:29

placed 5th in my age group (50-59) out of 34

placed 23rd in women out of 151

placed 70th overall out of 285

strava data here

the last time i ran this race was in 2019.  i ran it better (aka faster) then, but i was also 6 years younger, and not in menopause.  although i suppose i can't really blame the menopause, but i am constantly fatigued, which is my new normal since going into menopause. so there's that...

notably, everyone in my age group who beat me was also older than me, so that maybe debunks my menopause theory. 

this year, they changed up the parking structure and were shuttling people in from the nearby (10 min drive away) high school.  my anxiety was really high going into this race for some reason.  i was worried about parking and wanted to have my car close, so i went to nordic at 7am even though my race wasn't until 9am.  gabby and michael were there already because michael's brother was running the 50-miler, and that took off at 6am, i think.  

the 2 hours went by very quickly.  my brother, sister in law, and nephew were coming and set to arrive around 8:30am.  i talked to a couple of people i knew, and while i was talking to someone, dax called me.  i turned around and there he was, so he also came out to support my run.  i'm really fortunate to have such wonderful people in my life.

i was still feeling nervous for some reason and (in hindsight) didn't get enough warming up in before the start of the race, but that's neither here nor there.

i got changed into my running gear and then my family arrived.  we said hello and talked until it was time to line up for the start.  i tried to position myself towards the front middle of the pack so that i wasn't going to be stuck passing people right away.  i still got stuck in a clump of people, but then everyone found their strides and spread out.  the first mile or so, my achilles tendons were talking to me and sort of burning like they were doing too much.  i made note of it but everything else on my body felt really good so i just worked through it.  it eventually went away and felt fine.

i went out WAY TOO FAST per usual.  sheesh... i was trying to temper my stride and keep it at around a 10.  i did fairly well after the first 2 miles, but had to really pay close attention or i'd fall back into a faster pace than preferred.  this ended up being my downfall for the second loop.  too fast the first loop, and then the heat came, and so did the struggle bus.

i came through the start/finish after the first loop at the 1/2 way mark and was already feeling the warming day.  my fingers were starting to swell like sausages, and my handheld was nearly empty.  got some water from emily at the aid station and then continued on my way.  i walked out of the start/finish and got beyond the bathrooms before i started running again.  not a good sign. foreshadowing maybe? 

at about mile 9 the chafing began in earnest. i stopped at the aid station kevin was manning to slather some vaseline on my thighs, joke with the volunteers, and then get moving.  there was a woman who i believe to be in my age group switching positions with me through the whole first loop back and forth and i decided that i wanted to get in before her.  she was coming up behind me while i was at the aid station so i took off to try and stay ahead of her.  honestly, if it weren't for that goal i probably would have run in slower than i already was running. 

i had an A goal of 2 hours, B goal of 2:20, and C goal of finishing.  i always go into every race with an A, B, C goal set.  the A goal is usually a little unrealistic but still possible, the B goal is usually completely doable but challenging, and then the C goal is when all else fails... just get it done.  one foot in front of the other and anything can be accomplished. i managed to stay ahead of her until the finish while several others passed me in the last open prairie stretch before the last set of hills to the finish.  nothing was hurting but for some reason i could not get my "go" to go... i was really fatigued and just kept wanting to walk.  so. many. hills.

i ran into the finish as fast as i could and managed a pretty solid time.  i almost cried several times in the last few miles, as one does, but its nearly impossible to run and cry at the same time so that works in my favor.  i suppose that i'm happy with my finish, but also a tiny bit disappointed because i really wanted to be faster.  the first loop made me think that i could get it done, but i guess there's no accounting for all the uncontrollable factors that impact a race.  i'm not acclimated to warm weather running yet, and this race being in may makes it challenging to know what weather to expect.  for me, these things make a difference.  i've noticed that things that didn't impact me years ago when i was running/racing are now factors to consider in my running.  weather, fueling, etc... 

as always, this race is the best.  the race director does a wonderful job, and all the volunteers are really great and supportive.  everyone involved with this race wants the runners to do well.

the iceage 50 is the oldest trail race in the country. people come from all over to run the various distances (50 miles, 50K, and the 1/2 marathon). i’ve run the 50K twice. completed it the first time (in 5:34) and DNF’d the second time at mile 19.9. this is my second time running the 1/2. the first time i finished in 2:06. so a smidge slower this time coming in at 2:17 but i'm not complaining!  my body works, i'm running again, and i've got a lot to be grateful for.  life is really good.  

Chippewa Trail Races - 20 Miler

 Chippewa Trail Races - April 26, 2025
time = 4:32:05

pace = 13:20
placed 4 in my age group (50-59) out of 11
placed 10 in women out of 43
placed 29 overall out of 80
link to strava data

a lot of trail runners i know run this race annually but neither gabby nor i have ever run it so we decided to give it a go.  the plan was to run it "comfortably" as we both are training for other things and didn't want to exactly "race" this race.  we arrived in chetek on friday afternoon, found northwoods best inn, and got our stuff situated there.  asked the front desk for food recommendations, and she recommended gilligan's (which i might add is on 8 1/2 avenue.  incidentally... a lot of the streets were fractions 8 3/16 ave, 5/16 ave, 25 3/8 ave, etc... which we laughed about.)  other options were "joe's b&b bar and grill", "phil's bar and grill", and "mary's cafe and pub", all on the same block. 

gilligan's was as expected.  a little bar and grill on one of the many bodies of water up in chetek.  the food was good.  the place was empty.  it was also 2:30pm, so there's that.

we ate, we left, and nearly forgot we had to go pick up our bibs.  we drove the 25 minutes to the david r. obey ice age interpretive center. we looked at a bunch of animal pelts, stuffed animals, live animals, picked up our packets and headed back to the "inn". on the way back we stopped for ice cream and candy at the aptly named "custer's cones & candy". 

once we got our food, bibs, and sugar fill we headed back to the "inn" for the rest of the day/night.  we watched some bad tv until lights out, and that was that.  the place was nice enough. no frills, and the rooms were clean.  no muss no fuss.

saturday morning started at 6am.  we both slept pretty badly for various reasons, but race day is race day yay!  i ate the rest of my steak and potatoes for breakfast, and we were out the door by 7:30am for an 8:30am start.

the weather was a bit cool, but we knew it was going to warm up fairly quickly.  the race starts at the center on the top of a hill.  i think we clocked it at a quarter mile maybe... i don't remember.  the beginning of the race is a downhill which ended in a muddy section of trail before continuing around and then back up to the road.  we ran on the road for a short distance and then headed out on the iceage trail.  the majority of the race is on the iceage trail with glorious views, many little lakes, and quite perfect conditions.  very few muddy spots, but lots of roots and rocks for our dancing pleasure... or if you're me tripping and falling pleasure.

this race is an out and back with the 10 mile aid station turnaround on a short stretch of road.  we picked up a man, whom i started calling our caboose, right at the beginning of the race, and he stayed with us most of the time.  we lost each other here and there, and then lost him for good somewhere between miles 13-15.  the 10 mile aid station was stocked with nut roll candy things, snickers, fruit snacks, gatorade, water (of course), and some other snacky type things. we were hoping for some real food, but you get what you get.  around mile 13ish, i started chafing (thighs) and kicking myself for not bringing the lube along.  i really didn't think i would need it... i was wrong.  i won't make that mistake again.   my hip flexors also started talking to me.  i managed to eat shit twice (once fairly early on and then the second time near miles 16-17) and tripped without falling twice... no injuries tho'... just a little bit of a skinned left knee.  i pulled my right glute rock climbing on the tuesday before the race and was pretty worried it was going to be problematic, but nope... absolutely no pain at all on race day.

we were leapfrogging a couple of people (and groups) throughout the race and picked a woman in denim printed spandex running shorts and a group of four younger women to beat to the finish.  we passed up denim shortly after the 10 mile turn around (which incidentally was a pretty big dirt road hill) and about 1 mile after that we passed the 4 horsemen because they took a wrong turn and had to back track to get back on the right trail... they never caught back up to us.

eventually we were running grouped with a couple of older people, and we just stuck with them for some time.  there was an aid station at mile 3, and gabby and i discussed it and decided not to stop going out or coming back.  this allowed us to pass up a few more people who did stop on the way back.  the goal then became to stay ahead of all those we passed and get to the finish as quickly as we could.

i was really hurting by then and having a lot of trouble with my hip flexors.  i had to give myself an internal pep talk to keep it moving.  gabby was wonderful as our pacer and kept us on track with a pretty steady pace throughout.  i, as we know, have a lot of trouble with consistent pacing and tend to go out too fast and poop out at the finish.  not so much this time, which i'm grateful for.  we kept ticking down the last 3 miles, and as we came back towards the start, we were met with a bunch of mud on the last stretch to the center.  all of the places that were a little muddy on the way out were now very muddy with the late morning sun, and there wasn't much in the way of avoiding it.  so tromp through the mud, resulting in wet mud-covered shoes and legs, it was.

the finish is back up that original hill, and to be fair... it's more of a 3 tier rolling hill and very demoralizing.  as we were heading for it, i had a baby breakdown with a couple of tears, but it's virtually impossible to cry and run at the same time, so run we did.

gabby had to go to the bathroom since before the last aid station, so with a bursting bladder and an apology, off she went.  she ran up the last 1/3ish of the hill while i walked it out, trying not to cry.  

i tend to cry when i do hard things and am in physical pain.  the race was really fun, well supported, in a beautiful setting, and the weather couldn't have been more perfect.  

came through the finish with all the other finishers who came before me hanging out, sitting around, eating and resting after a job well done.  i dropped myself in the grass near the finish and watched others come in while i caught my breath, drank some coke, and ate some chicken noodle soup (although i didn't eat much as it was hot and not at all what i wanted to be consuming).  all in all we had a wonderful time and i would absolutely run this race again. 

next time tho' i will stay overnight saturday night too, as we ended up staying after the race for only about 30 minutes and then got in the car for the 4 hour drive home.  no bueno!  it was really challenging to drive home right after running 20 miles.  we stopped a few times to stretch and once for food and gas.  i have nothing but good things to say about this race.  i'm really glad i did it, and i'm really grateful for having such wonderful friends as gabby, who will sign up for a race 4 hours away on a whim.

Sweet Home Milwaukee - 5K

 Sweet Home Milwaukee - April 6, 2025
time = 25:38

pace = 8:16
placed 1 in my age group (50-59) out of 42
placed 7 in women out of 236
placed 32 overall out of 348
link to strava data

the last time i ran this race was back in 2016, the race was much larger (1369 participants), and i ran it marginally faster.  

picked my packet up yesterday at PRO and that was easy peasy lemon squeezy... in and out and well organized.

race day was just as seamless.

no corrals this time likely because there weren't enough people to need them. i signed up for this race on a whim.  i am FINALLY running consistently after years of injuries and life changes, and i'm feeling pretty good.  my brother was supposed to come with my nephew to cheer me on and go to brunch afterwards, but he wasn't feeling good and bowed out at the last minute.  i arrived about 30 minutes before race start.  didn't seem like there were a lot of people there, and several were arriving at the same time as me.  got a good parking spot right by the kites again and headed to the bathrooms.  no lines for me and i ran into celeste (incidentally, my yoga instructor), who signed up after i posted it on instagram a bit ago. she, in turn, spread the word and got a group of people together to run it.  i got to meet her friends and hang out with them all before and after the race which was really nice.  we got pictures, had hugs, and generally hyped each other up for a job well done.

photos by Eric Natamihardja

the course was the same as in 2016 (link to that race report).  just more potholes and uneven footing, as the trail could maybe use some repairing.  i started out near the front because, for some reason, i always think it's better to have people passing me than to have to pass myself.  this consistently proves to be a mistake.  i ALWAYS take off too fast and then sometimes putter out as the race goes on.  today was all of that and a bag of chips.  positive splits are not awesome, and they are what i had going on for sure.  i didn't know this during the race because i do not look at my watch/splits as i'm racing.  i wait to be surprised at the end. 

ran that first mile in 8:15, slowed down in mile two (while i chided myself in my head... yelling at myself "DON'T YOU DARE WALK!  DON'T YOU DARE WALK!" over and over until i got through that mile). clocked mile two at 8:31.  

the course was short according to my watch and the watches of others in the group.  my watch said the total was 3:04 instead of 3:10.  not a big difference, but short nonetheless.  mile three was 8:37.  nice and fast overall compared to what i have been doing for this distance.  just disappointed in myself for going out too fast and effectively thwarting a negative split.

i was struggling the whole time, but i managed to do some semblance of a sprint for the final stretch.  well, it FELT like a sprint, but it probably wasn't much of one. i didn't push hard enough to cry this time.  i suppose i'm not exactly in that mindset anymore, i am older but not quite wiser given that i still have no idea how to effectively pace myself.  

the race was fun.  the shirt is again a nice cotton long sleeve (the small is too big for me, but it is what it is), the medal is nice and doubles as a bottle opener,  and they had a well-supported finish with water and bananas.  a ticket for custard, a bloody mary at a brunch spot, and a coupon for another custard at a later date.

all in all, it's a nice flat, easy course.  today had barely any wind, which was also a blessing given that this is an open flat space, and if there were any wind, it would have been brutal coming right off the beautiful lake.  it was a really great way to start this sunday.  10/10 would do it again.

special thanks to celeste for sending me those photos!  you are the bees knees.  

evolution

evolution: my running goals and just how running exists in my brain and life have evolved.

2 years ago i believed that i would never run again.  i have suffered so many injuries over my 13 years of running.  my goals were always to be faster and faster.  i wanted to WIN!  i believe that this stems from my insatiable desire for recognition, approval, and praise... which, ultimately, stems from the traumatic childhood that i lived through.  its amazing how everything, quite literally everything, is connected.

yesterday, i was throwing together a training plan now that i've got a couple races on the schedule.  as i was putting the training runs on the calendar, i started to feel panic and a little stress over the idea that i HAVE TO commit to all of these training runs.  i started to feel mental exhaustion just thinking about how much i'm going to have to run over the next 6 ish weeks.   let's look at that for a minute... HAVE TO and GET TO... 

i run because i deeply love running.  i get so much pleasure from working my body, being out in nature, and playing on the trails.  key word is "playing".  running is play for me and i don't ever want to give that version up.  i don't want to make running a chore that i HAVE TO do in order to meet some arbitrary speed goal.  i want to LOVE each run.  i want to LOVE that i get to do this.  i want to LOVE that my body is still capable of such things!

so i shifted my perspective which came with a deeply felt blanket of relief.  i've decided that i will loosely follow the training plan i set up, and that i will run the races i've got coming up with less competitive drive and more casual fun drive.  i want my body to continue to feel great when i run, and i think that to do that i need to get less competitive with my goals.

i have such great friends.  i had this conversation today, and it makes me feel all warm and squishy inside.  to be validated by people who love me is top notch.  

the ways in which my life and relationships have evolved, changed, grown, and expanded after leaving my husband are innumerable. it is a testament to the strength of my friendships, my newly learned ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries, and my desire to stay curiously teachable.  i was really isolated in my marriage and felt so very alone.

in many ways, my life became so much happier, fuller, and easier the past couple of years since the end of my marriage.

growing into a more fully formed human has been difficult and i anticipate all future growth will be the same... however, no matter how difficult the growing pains have been every day is a gift and i am so fortunate to be living the life i am now living.

the community of runners that i am lucky enough to be a part of is varied and vast.  i've missed running, my running friends, and the running community at large.

i'm so grateful and happy to be back.  glass 1/2 full...

everything that this body of mine can do is a gift and i'm just so grateful to be here doing the things i'm doing with the people i get to do them with. 

and that's all i've got to say about that.

introducing Ludo (with a cameo by Boulder)

let's introduce my boy ludo.  

in 2020 (when the world fell apart) i had to rehome frank because the new landlord didn't allow pets and i had to move with a swiftness... fast forward a year and in 2021 i told said landlord that i was going to move out because i really missed my dog and wanted a dog.  he agreed and i tried to get frank back.  frank is in a wonderful home with people who love him, and when i reached out, they simply couldn't part with him.  he is now part of their family.

so i felt a bit better about getting another dog.  i reached out to the same farmers that i got frank from to see if they had any puppies.  lo and behold they did!  

meet ludo bunnybutt lobo!  

this beautiful little boy stole my heart upon first sight, and (as they say) the rest is history.  max (my son) and i drove 3+ hours to get him from northern wisconsin.  

met the woman at a truck stop, exchanged cash for puppy and away we went.  

ludo is a texas heeler.  i chose the heeler initially (when i got frank) for their stamina and energy.  frank was also a heeler.  notably, frank and ludo are cousins.  their mothers are sisters. being a texas heeler simply means that the dog is 1/2 australian cattle dog (blue heeler) and australian shepherd.

one thing i didn't consider when i got ludo is how much more hair the shepherd part causes... these dogs shed constantly.  there is never a time when my house is hairless anymore, except for the 5 minutes after vacuuming. 

                                             ludo's father and mother respectfully. 

ludo was born with a hip deformity.  his right rear hip has no socket (see how the ball of his femur is just hanging out there not attached?).  the only things holding his leg in place are the tendons and ligaments.  the bones are just chilin' there independent of each other on that side.  eventually he may need to have the leg removed but for now... he's doing just fine.  as of today he is 4 years old and ran his first 14 miler yesterday like a trooper.  contrary to generalizations about this breed he is not destructive when he's bored.  he's just really annoying and bothersome.  he is so very smart and wants what he wants when he wants it.  he is nice (not friendly), which i deeply appreciate about this breed of dog.  he loves other dogs but is very indifferent towards most people.  he is NOT a cuddly dog, which i originally attributed to the breed, but there are a lot of heelers that are VERY cuddly with their people.  my boy is just not one of them.  he likes to be near me, but he doesn't want to be snuggled or held.  he prefers to be scritched on the butt and hugged from behind as opposed to in the face.  he likes to run, go paddle boarding, lots of walks with his dog friends, and to lay around like a slug when he isn't moving around.  he's not nearly as high energy as frank was or as the breed suggests.  i guess i'm fortunate that way.

it's been a minute... or 4

 hello!!!  back in the saddle.  back in 2021, i was training for the iceage 50 miler and things began hurting again so i thought i would never run again!

as i stated in the last post, i joined the gym and started lifting weight regularly... to the tune of 5-6 days a week. zero to very little cardio and resigned myself to the fact that i would probably never run again.

lifting gets boring as the only way to have lifting goals is to lift heavier... always heavier.  my body was getting bigger, and i didn't fit into my clothing comfortably anymore.  

last september i quit the gym i belonged to because i was bored, and i decided to join adventure rock.  i started climbing and going to yoga again weekly.  i also started running semi-regularly again too.

i have 2 races on the schedule.  

sweet home milwaukee 5K (which i've run once before) and chippawa 20 miler - both in april.

i also joined another gym very close to my house, so i will be more motivated to go.  the new schedule begins tomorrow.  i need to actually hunker down and get serious again about my fitness and running.  

we will see how it goes...

2020 recap

 ok... where do i even begin?

2020 was literally the worst year of my life.  i barely ran as i tore my left hamstring in the beginning of 2020 and then my whole world fell apart in march.  my marriage ended with my husband assaulting me but not because he did that... he did that after he found out i wanted a divorce.  it is a very long and arduous story that i do not want to rehash.

fast forward to today and i'm in a much better place.  i spent the better part of 2020 just surviving.  now i am (dare i say it) thriving.

today i joined a gym.  it is a step in the right direction (forward) and i'm so proud of myself for taking the leap.  it seemed like every single thing in 2020 was so hard that i was surprised i could even acomplish anything at all.  simply getting out of bed was a feat to be celebrated.  i spent 5 months in my bed only getting out to work and i've been working from home since march as well so all things considered i'm doing just splendidly.

today i am doing a million times better.  i am happier and healthier than i've been all of 2020.  i am looking forward to my days instead of dreading them.  

since everything was cancelled in 2020 my 50 mile race (the iceage 50) was also cancelled and i am now gearing up to start the training schedule for it for 2021.  i'm alternately terrified and a teeny tiny bit excited.  i've had no motivation to do anything at all all year so finding some gumption for this was very difficult.  in fact, i'm not sure if i've found any or if i'm just telling myself the things i want to hear so that i eventually believe them.  i don't really care as long as i keep moving forward at this point.

so today i'm putting together my training plan for the race and tomorrow i will start going to the gym and working out.  i'm sure that just working out will help to further shift my mental health in the right direction and really i so need it.  i feel pretty happy the past 2 weeks but part of me worries that it's a manic episode coming on and not true happiness... only time will tell on that front.  in the meantime i'm going to believe that i'm truly happy and not chemically unbalanced and i will move along with my life as tho' things are as good as they feel right now.  

that's all i've got...  i have only run a handful of times in 2020 and am very much looking forward to beginning again and building my mileage.  i hate that its so difficult to run a 5K right now... i feel like i'm going to die each time i run in fact.  it's quite laughable.  my mantra for 2021 is "the journey is the destination."  

marching right along...

see what i did there?  march-ing... har har har.

so where did i leave off... well, the sprained right ankle healed up nicely and with it so did the left shin splint.

i ran some wonderful mileage in january with 105 miles under my belt.  then... wisconsin winter decided to happen and it snowed and snowed on the weekends of my long runs and well... it proved to be a problem after a few very challenging 2+ hours of trudging through 5-6" deep snowsand one weekend and 5-6" of heavy wet snow the next weekend and then ice skating as opposed to running through 18 miles of icy trails the next weekend.  needless to say i was bound to get injured and sure enough... i did.

i tore my left hamstring.

can't a woman catch a break?!?  apparently, not this woman.

so as of today i am seeing the physical therapist 2xs weekly as my schedule allows for the next 6 weeks and not allowed to run for the next 4 weeks so what did i do besides have a mental/emotional breakdown?  i bought a rowing machine.  alas... i am not allowed to use that yet either.  i see my PT on tuesday and might get cleared then to start rowing.  i need to do something... i'm a mess.

running balances my mental health as much as my physical health and quite frankly i've not been ok for awhile.  i haven't been able to run consistent miles for a few weeks already and now that i am unable to do absolutely anything at the moment... well, lets just say it's not a good thing.  i'm crying at the drop of a hat... everything is "wrong" and making me weepy... basically, the sky is caving in on me and i cannot breathe.

logically i know i'm fine and i will be ok but man... the panic in my brain is certainly telling me something different.

in the meantime, i am still planning on running the 50 miler in may... come hell or high water and if i walk the whole way... i'm still planning on doing it.  there's a 12 hour cut off so we will certainly see... 

that's the update.  that's all i've got.  just treading water and trying to stay afloat over here. 

do hard things

i say this to myself a lot.  i mean... a lot.  there are some seriously difficult things that i live with every day and have for a very long time in my personal life so i try to find the most wonderful things about each day even when it seems like it's the shittiest day ever.

i've had a pretty tough 34 days.  it's been 34 days exactly since i sprained the fuck out of my right ankle.  sprained it so bad i thought it was broken.  see my previous post. 

today i ran.  i ran deliberately slow and controlled and oh so careful because i have some goals for 2020 to do some very hard things and i need my ankle to allow me to do these very hard things.

my ankle is achy and sore but painless.  running felt wonderful but hard.  my cardio has suffered with that short break but nothing to worry about.  my training starts in earnest the second week of january so i've got time to get it together before then.

today i did a very scary thing.  i signed up for the iceage 50.  i sort of want to puke.  i've run the 50K before and never in a million years thought i'd ever want to run 50 miles... but here we are once again proving never say never is indeed a thing.

“Courage is not the absence of fear. 

It is rather not letting your fear control your actions” 

~ Brett Harris

sometimes you have to do hard things to know you're alive, strong, and that life is as beautiful as you know it is.

when it rains it pours... otherwise known as a rolled ankle

gah... so after my last post about how i NEED running to be sane i went out and ran again that sunday because well... everything felt great!  the birds were chirping, the sun was shining, my smile was a mile wide, and basically rainbows were shooting out of my ass.

then it all came crashing down.

i was about 1.5 miles from home on a beautiful trail that runs along the river and i rolled my right ankle.  i crumpled to the ground as the sky did indeed fall all around me.  i laid there in the mud for a little bit chanting the mantra "please don't be broken, please don't be broken, please don't be broken" over and over again through tears.

then i took a breath and reasoned with myself that if i could stand on then it wasn't broken. 
so i bore weight and... i could stand on it.

then i reasoned that if i could walk on it (in spite of the instant swelling just above my shoe line) that it wasn't broken. 
so i took a few steps and... i could walk.

then i convinced myself that if i could run on it then there's absolutely no way it's broken.
so i ran home.

while it hurt a little it didn't hurt like i expected a break to feel.  i've broken another bone before (shattered my right wrist in 2007) and just now i'm remembering that it didn't hurt at all for about 2 hours.  then hole-e-shit it hurt SO MUCH!  well... i ran home and it didn't really hurt and i figured that if it was broken there was no way i would be able to do that.

when i got home i asked my husband to look at it and judging from his reaction... i guess i should have called him to come get me.

as soon as i took the shoe off my whole ankle swelled up like a balloon.  i basically took a shower and then sat on the couch with ice the whole rest of the day.  then on monday i went to the doc and she had a little looksee and told me that it wasn't broken but very badly sprained.

*sigh*

being that i'm not feeling all that mentally stable right now this felt like the end of the world for a hot minute.  then i dusted off my brain and took a breath. 

the nurse said 4-6 weeks but i'm not in a boot so that's something.  my ankle was so swollen the first 1/2 of this week that i couldn't get a real shoe on my foot.  today it's still swollen (6 days later) but at least i can see my ankle bones now.  before it was cankle city!

there's a pretty impressive bruise that goes from just above my ankle bone on the outside all the way along the whole base of my foot and ends just before the pinkie toe begins.  mostly the bruise hurts but the foot/ankle... not so much. 

guess 2019 is really going out with a bang.

winter blues... its a thing.

so i got a stupid shin splint in my stupid right shin back in september and i ran through it like a dummy because i had a race coming up that i love and wanted to do well in.  after the race... well, i've been running sporadically at best.

i averaged 1 run a week for 5 weeks in a row and then i felt pretty good so i ran 3 times the week of 10/21-10/27 and then my shin started talking to me the morning after the 3rd run.  no pain but i could feel whatever it is in the shin that is a shin splint... ligament, muscle, whatever hurts.  i'm too lazy to look it up right now so you'll have to use your own google skills on this one.  so i decided that day that i would wait until december 1st to run again.

guess how long that lasted?

until today.

i ran today.  i NEEDED to run today.  it got really cold, dreary, and freaking snowed on halloween so i've been less than good this week.  i've been borderline depressed and just full of unease and malcontent.  i NEEDED to run.  so i taped my shin, hoped for the best, and ran 3 miles.  it was a glorious 3 miles.  it is beautiful outside and the air smells amazing and the wind on my skin was amazing and my labored breathing was amazing and my working muscles were amazing and everything about it was amazing.

which brings me to what people like to call seasonal affective disorder.  apparently, it IS a thing.  so i wonder how it correlates with your run of the mill all the time depression? 

my family has a history of mental illness and depression.  how this has passed on to me is in the form of manic depressive disorder and deep depressive states.  running has all but cured this garbage from my brain.  when i run regularly i have very few if not non-existent episodes of wildly varying mood swings.  my moods are stabilized by regular running.  my highs are (seemingly) normal and my lows are (seemingly) normal.  i have not been medicated in many many years thanks to running.

so how do i balance my brain if i cannot run?  i also have a bit of an obsessive/compulsive issue as well and when i switched my focus to running this has proven to be alternately a bonus to my running and a detriment.  it is a detriment because i can't not run.  i have run through injury after injury.  i get really paranoid when i don't get to run regularly about my fitness and weight gain.  i get really in my head about these things to the point of obsession.  i begin to obsess about the foods i put in my body and how much.  when i get to run regularly i do not obsess about any of these things.  i eat healthy and what i want.  i don't restrict my diet when i run and i honestly do not think about food at all other than when i'm hungry i eat it.

i NEED to run.  i NEED to run weekly.  i NEED it to function properly in this world.  it reduces my stress to nil.  it makes me feel good.  it gives me something to do that allows me to see the beauty in my life, and appreciate all that i have going for me.  it makes me a better wife, mother, and friend.  it allows me to see that nothing in my life is a chicken little sky is falling issue.  before running my life was very dramatic.  my brain was very dramatic.  everything was life or death... and living with that sort of stress in one's brain is really really hard to do. 

today i am calm.  i am positive.  i am freaking happy.

this is because i run.

so... i am panicking about this stupid shin splint and the amount of time i will have to wait for it to go away so that i can not die.  see... dramatic as hell is my brain off running.  lol!

in all seriousness tho' i'm losing it.  i need to run and am so grateful that my body allowed me to do it today.  once a week is not enough tho' so i hope that i can pepper it through every other day or something right now... we will see.

i post this (for one) because i want you to know that you are not alone. 
i post this (for two) because i want you to know that it's ok to have mental illness
i post this (for three) because i want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you if you too have a mental illness

i don't really talk about this garbage ever because i don't want anyone to look at me with pity or in a different way because my brain works differently.  i don't want to be viewed as weaker or broken because of my brain.  i went many years believing that i was broken and that something was wrong with me, and even tho' i KNOW that there isn't anything wrong with me... i still need to maintain the things that help keep my brain in check and KNOWING that i need to do these things is important in keeping nothing wrong with me.  i hope that makes sense.

right now i feel a little panicky and just needed to put it down somewhere.  lastly, today's short run was the best and i'm so glad i did it.

shin splint for the win.

turns out my problem is a pesky shin splint.  only in the right shin and even with 2 weeks off of running still isn't resolved.  guess i'm sitting all of october out so that i can try and get this under control before the real goal getting begins.

i have a couple of very lofty goals for 2020 and i need to come into the year fresh as a newborn (but with less rubber in my bones).  it's hard to become a runner when one was never a runner.  i sort of feel like if i could have had a couple of decades under my belt by now with running i'd be less prone to injuring myself because i'd understand the mechanics and such.

i don't know how to not hurt myself.  i am thinking about switching shoes altogether to some hoka's for the cushion, but i'm also afraid to do so because what if that doesn't remedy the problem?  i can't really afford to hire a coach so i do this on my own by trial and error... and now that i'm old, well... i think i error more than i don't.

i've gotten smarter at not running through pain and injury but that also means inconsistent training across the board.  i've thought about running slower to see if i can mitigate injury but i have trouble running slower than my natural pace.  i also really love to run distance and i have not been able to do that consistently in a long time.

this shin splint is just another nagging injury in a series of injuries i've had for the past several years.  2019 was better in that i was able to run most of the year injury-free but that was only because of the inconsistency of my training and not really doing any distance running.

so november 1st i'm going to begin again and start small... 3-4 miles at a time and probably not consecutively and see how that feels.  once i can do that a few times a week i will probably pick up some more distance on the weekends.  i have to really start training in earnest in january 2020 so i need to go into that healthy.

if anyone has any suggestions please let me hear them.

Instep Trail Races - 7Miler

InStep Trail Races, 7 miler - September 14, 2019
time = 1:05:33
pace = 9:48
placed 1 in my age group (45-49) out of 7
placed 4 in women out of 43
placed 15 overall out of 70
link to strava data

please note:  this is the fastest i've run this race in the past 3 years... yay!

the start of this report is going to look remarkably like last year's report in that i didn't run much prior to this race.  in fact, my last run prior to this race was the sunday before... so 5 full days with no running.  this is because about 2 weeks ago i ran this course (minus the tower) in new shoes/insoles (same shoes and insoles as always... just a new pair of each) and for whatever reason, my right shin got very very sore.  i mean, tender to the touch sore.  this, in turn, affected the rest of the lower leg on that side and i opted to see my physical therapist last friday as a ditch effort for some magical cure.  he said my soleus muscle was all jacked and was likely affecting the rest of the leg.  he did some deep tissue massage that left me hella sore the rest of the week and i opted for a short run on that sunday post PT, but rest the remaining days of the week.

i got to lapham early so that i could warm up incase everything was still jacked.  i ran a loop around the parking lot and wouldn't you know it... my stupid leg was weird.  now, i say it was "weird" because it wasn't painful.  it was weak feeling... like a pinched nerve sort of... or like it was going to give out and not hold my weight sort of.  i walked it off, stretched, stretched my ankle specifically, and then figured i was going to have to wing it.

i ran into the only other person i knew was running the same race, candice, and we talked and commiserated about our injuries.  then it was almost time to race.  incidentally, this is the last year that russ is directing the race.  instep was bought out by PRO so there would be no more of this race... until it was announced that silver circle sports events is going to take it over.  not sure what they will call it or how it will be run, but since this is my favorite course and favorite race of the year... i'm glad they're going to continue it.

so candice and i started the race together and nursed our injuries for about the first 1/2 mile and then we separated.  i had a time goal for this race and once my leg felt fine... i decided i was going to still shoot for it.  so off i went.

i try to run the whole first mile of the course (race or no race) and that means that i run approximately the last .25 uphill.  i know that doesn't sound difficult but that is very difficult for me.  i am not good at running uphill.  in fact, i would say that i am absolutely terrible at it and can't figure out how to get better.

so i hit 1 mile on my watch and promptly started walking.  oh sweet relief!  walking is wonderful... until it's not.  so i walk a little ways up to a specific dip in the trail where it sort of becomes a gentle incline instead of an actual hill and then i start running again.  this particular hill is called gut buster and is approximately .78 of a mile up.  it seems not so hard when you're looking at it but when you're trying to run it... it's very difficult.  for me at least...

so i run/walk up this hill and try to run as much as i can with certain spots where i take walk breaks to help get my heart rate back down and to not feel like i'm dying.

then the top comes and the sweet sweet joy of bombing the downhills begins.  i LOVE, absolutely LOVE bombing down.  it is my reward for trying to run up. lol!  i also make up significant time by doing this - quads be damned!


it was at this point that i caught up to a couple of guys as i bombed down a hill.  i kept trading places with them for a bit and started to get annoyed and too focused on where they were.  they were ahead of me for the whole first part of the race, but after gut buster i passed them on the down hill and then when i walked they passed me on the up and this went on for several different hills until i was finally tired and annoyed enough of being so close to them that i  took off on the flat at the top of asthma hill to get some space between us.  i lost them in the hills just prior to the tower, and i managed to maintain pretty good splits even with running up the tower in mile 4.  i meant to count the sets of stairs up the tower but forgot... i think there are 5 flights but i have no idea how many actual stairs.  once at the top i turn around and fly down... holding on so that if i eat it... i won't fall far.

i saw candice on my way from the tower as she was heading to the tower.  since i am so competitive and she was the only person i knew personally who was running the race i really wanted to stay ahead of her.  she is a much better runner than me and she kicked my ass at high cliff passing me in the last mile and beating me in the race so this time... i wanted to stay ahead... cuz... competitive.  duh...

thankfully right after the tower is the downhill (the big slide?) that parallels gut buster and is similar length so almost a mile downhill... running at full speed and making up time.  i passed a few people but this race is 3 different races at the same time on the same course so it's hard to determine who's in your race and who's running the 1/2 or the full marathon distances... and trying to look at someone's bib is just too tough so i have no idea if i was passing people in my race or not.  no matter... it feels good to pass people cuz... competitive.

i hit the bottom of the hill and at that point it's about 1.5 miles to the finish with another long hill (aptly named 2 tier because there are 2 parts of the hill with a small sort of flatish incline between them).  i passed a guy on the flat who passed me right back on the first portion of 2 tier, and back and forth until the downhill called magic carpet ride.  i zoomed past him on magic carpet ride because who cares about quads, and then there was one more man in front of me.  he seemed to be running faster than me but when we hit the final flat at the same time i pulled ahead by a hair.  it was then that i decided to try and stay ahead of him.  it was SO HARD!  i was literally only a breath ahead of him... i could hear him breathing on my right the whole time.  when we both hit the final straightaway and i could see the finish i started sprinting.  normally i do not do this because i simply do not have it in me.  normally i feel so bad at the end of a race that it takes all that i have just to keep running, however this time... i RAN!

i ran as hard and as fast as i could with him on my heels the whole time.  i came in first with only a 2 second different between our times!  TWO SECONDS!  man... that felt really good.  it felt really good to run as hard as i could and do as well as i did coming off a stupid weird injury.  i'm hoping that the injury is gone for good and that tomorrow when i wake up i will feel great and will be able to run a nice run with frank.

i've got some big goals for 2020 and need to go into the new year fresh and injury free!

as always i love the shit out of this race.  i love lapham and love running there as much as i can.  i'm not sure what the race will be called next year but i hope it's put on with just as much love and care as russ put into it all these years.