Sunday, July 5, 2015

bitches be trippin'

yesterday (the 4th of july) i went out to the nordic trails to run on the ice age trail.  i hadn't been out there since i ran iceage and i thought yesterday would be the perfect day to run the 13 miles out/back to horserider's.

the jump off across bluff road from the blue loop at nordic is about 1.5 miles from the trail head which is run on beautiful wide groomed ski trails.  once i crossed the road and got to the ice age trail i realized that this might be a bit of an adventure.  the trail was really overgrown... presumably from all the rain we've had and the humidity being at nearly 100%.  i got about a mile into the trail, stopped to take a picture, and it was at that moment that i was swarmed by about 25 to 1,025 mosquitoes and a couple of bitchy ass horseflies.  i quickly put my phone back in my pocket (without a picture mind you), and started running again as fast as my feet would carry me.

i briefly thought that it might be a mistake to be running on this trail but that thought disappeared as quickly as it appeared as i happily skipped down the trail deeper into the beautiful, magical, all encompassing forest.  i didn't give it another thought as the vegetation licked at my legs, the sun kissed my shoulders, and i zoomed over the trail.  i was running free, screaming down hills, still running up hills, and had no idea what was about to happen to me in the next few miles...

i made it to young road where i again paused to take a breather, and again i was assaulted by more vicious biting flies and their evil baby backups... the mosquitoes.  i figured i was this far i would just keep going... plus i had to go to the bathroom so i wanted to get to horserider's since there is an actual restroom there.  as i'm running i'm also getting more and more nervous because nothing looks familiar, and i start to think i'm on the wrong trail.  suddenly the urge to go to the bathroom is fierce and i cannot wait.  unfortunately, i had to drop trow right there.  i don't even have time to walk off trail (which i suppose is better anyway since i'm sure the population of ALL.THE.BITING.THINGS is probably a million times worse over there)... as i squat down right there, directly on the edge of the trail to do my business... they come for me!  in droves!  army after army of thirsty, flesh eating vamps.  i am swatting around my head like a crazy person!  it was insanity!  i'd like to say that i'm embarrassed, but i'm not.  truth be told worse things have happened to me that i've subsequently shared.  *sigh*

i finished up, jumped up, and started running like my ass was on fire!  i'm sure it would have been a hilarious sight to see were it not happening to me.  there was no outrunning those damn murderous insects either!  they were EVERYWHERE!  they were all over me.  it was awful!  i finally made it to tamarack road but since i thought i was lost i only went about 1/2 mile further, turned around, and cut my losses.  i had no idea where i was, and nothing looked familiar anymore.  i had taken a wrong turn on the trail that took me to the right and spit me out in what seemed like the right spot, but it all looked so strange that i was scared that i had gone totally the wrong way.  all of this was compounded by my frantically slapping myself about the head, neck, and back and trying to out run those freaking beastly demon flies!

so... i decided to turn around.  when i did i followed a horse trail thinking that it looked familiar.  that was a MISTAKE!  i ended up running up on a couple of people on horses and then i realized that i was absolutely not going the right way.  the trail got heavier and heavier with sand finally becoming about 6" deep with sand.  it became virtually impossible to run in at which point the horse flies were relentless!  the little kamikaze jerks were dive bombing me... biting me all over the head, neck, back, and forehead... i was losing my mind!  i was trying to get my phone out of my pocket to get the map and find the trail so i could run away from these opportunistic vampire insects.  all of the stinging!  all of the biting!

it was awful!  so awful!  i finally managed to get my phone out, map out, and found the trail!  i had to trek through some forest uphill to find the ice age trail but once i got back on it i was flying again!  i calmed down realizing that i was back on track and headed back to the park.

unfortunately i was also about 5ish miles into my run and had to run an equal distance (maybe more with the detour) back to the beginning.

every uphill resulted in more bites since i could only run so much and then i had to walk.


i can't believe that i had no idea this would be the outcome!  hahah!  so ridiculous!

my strava can be viewed here for this run.  moral of the story?  BUG SPRAY!  please for the love of all that is right and just in the world... use BUG SPRAY if you're going to run these trails between now and november!  seriously... spray the shit out of your head and any exposed skin.  i am not joking.  you will regret it for at least 3-4 weeks while the welts (the size of lemon drops) heal.

yes... i have welts the size of lemon drops on my body from those stinking flies.  they are brutal bitches!  i have one behind my left ear that itches ALL.THE.TIME because i keep tucking my stinking hair!  ugh...
now i'll leave you with some horsefly facts:

  1.  horseflies are some of the world's largest flies.  they belong to the tabanidae family. 
  2. horseflies are located around the world, with the exception of extreme northern & southern latitudes.
  3.  there are roughly 3,000 species of horseflies in the world, with 350 different species within north america alone. 
  4.  horseflies can be as large as 1 1/4 inches in length! 
  5.  they are equipped with scissor-like mandibles that tear and cut.  when viewed under a microscope, the mouth parts of a female horsefly look like jagged saw blades.  the bite is painful because the females actually cut a hole into the skin in order to soak up the blood that comes out. 
  6.  male horseflies feed on pollen and nectar only as they do not have the mouth parts required for blood feeding.  if you are bitten by a horsefly, its a female.

you're welcome.

3 comments:

nwgdc said...

We have horseflies and deerflies in the Northern Kettles, but they're NOTHING like the Southern Kettles. I've been down there a couple times and have been absolutely annihilated. See you Saturday (you'll be done long before me, so save me a beer or two!)

Matt said...

oh yeah, horseflies. i remember those from when i was a kid, mosquitos, too. i think that they're both illegal in northern, coastal california. i never see them here. weird.

nikki said...

i heard tell there weren't any bugs such as these in your parts... maybe someday i'll see for myself. ;)