evolution

evolution: my running goals and just how running exists in my brain and life have evolved.

2 years ago i believed that i would never run again.  i have suffered so many injuries over my 13 years of running.  my goals were always to be faster and faster.  i wanted to WIN!  i believe that this stems from my insatiable desire for recognition, approval, and praise... which, ultimately, stems from the traumatic childhood that i lived through.  its amazing how everything, quite literally everything, is connected.

yesterday, i was throwing together a training plan now that i've got a couple races on the schedule.  as i was putting the training runs on the calendar, i started to feel panic and a little stress over the idea that i HAVE TO commit to all of these training runs.  i started to feel mental exhaustion just thinking about how much i'm going to have to run over the next 6 ish weeks.   let's look at that for a minute... HAVE TO and GET TO... 

i run because i deeply love running.  i get so much pleasure from working my body, being out in nature, and playing on the trails.  key word is "playing".  running is play for me and i don't ever want to give that version up.  i don't want to make running a chore that i HAVE TO do in order to meet some arbitrary speed goal.  i want to LOVE each run.  i want to LOVE that i get to do this.  i want to LOVE that my body is still capable of such things!

so i shifted my perspective which came with a deeply felt blanket of relief.  i've decided that i will loosely follow the training plan i set up, and that i will run the races i've got coming up with less competitive drive and more casual fun drive.  i want my body to continue to feel great when i run, and i think that to do that i need to get less competitive with my goals.

i have such great friends.  i had this conversation today, and it makes me feel all warm and squishy inside.  to be validated by people who love me is top notch.  

the ways in which my life and relationships have evolved, changed, grown, and expanded after leaving my husband are innumerable. it is a testament to the strength of my friendships, my newly learned ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries, and my desire to stay curiously teachable.  i was really isolated in my marriage and felt so very alone.

in many ways, my life became so much happier, fuller, and easier the past couple of years since the end of my marriage.

growing into a more fully formed human has been difficult and i anticipate all future growth will be the same... however, no matter how difficult the growing pains have been every day is a gift and i am so fortunate to be living the life i am now living.

the community of runners that i am lucky enough to be a part of is varied and vast.  i've missed running, my running friends, and the running community at large.

i'm so grateful and happy to be back.  glass 1/2 full...

everything that this body of mine can do is a gift and i'm just so grateful to be here doing the things i'm doing with the people i get to do them with. 

and that's all i've got to say about that.

introducing Ludo (with a cameo by Boulder)

let's introduce my boy ludo.  

in 2020 (when the world fell apart) i had to rehome frank because the new landlord didn't allow pets and i had to move with a swiftness... fast forward a year and in 2021 i told said landlord that i was going to move out because i really missed my dog and wanted a dog.  he agreed and i tried to get frank back.  frank is in a wonderful home with people who love him, and when i reached out, they simply couldn't part with him.  he is now part of their family.

so i felt a bit better about getting another dog.  i reached out to the same farmers that i got frank from to see if they had any puppies.  lo and behold they did!  

meet ludo bunnybutt lobo!  

this beautiful little boy stole my heart upon first sight, and (as they say) the rest is history.  max (my son) and i drove 3+ hours to get him from northern wisconsin.  

met the woman at a truck stop, exchanged cash for puppy and away we went.  

ludo is a texas heeler.  i chose the heeler initially (when i got frank) for their stamina and energy.  frank was also a heeler.  notably, frank and ludo are cousins.  their mothers are sisters. being a texas heeler simply means that the dog is 1/2 australian cattle dog (blue heeler) and australian shepherd.

one thing i didn't consider when i got ludo is how much more hair the shepherd part causes... these dogs shed constantly.  there is never a time when my house is hairless anymore, except for the 5 minutes after vacuuming. 

                                             ludo's father and mother respectfully. 

ludo was born with a hip deformity.  his right rear hip has no socket (see how the ball of his femur is just hanging out there not attached?).  the only things holding his leg in place are the tendons and ligaments.  the bones are just chilin' there independent of each other on that side.  eventually he may need to have the leg removed but for now... he's doing just fine.  as of today he is 4 years old and ran his first 14 miler yesterday like a trooper.  contrary to generalizations about this breed he is not destructive when he's bored.  he's just really annoying and bothersome.  he is so very smart and wants what he wants when he wants it.  he is nice (not friendly), which i deeply appreciate about this breed of dog.  he loves other dogs but is very indifferent towards most people.  he is NOT a cuddly dog, which i originally attributed to the breed, but there are a lot of heelers that are VERY cuddly with their people.  my boy is just not one of them.  he likes to be near me, but he doesn't want to be snuggled or held.  he prefers to be scritched on the butt and hugged from behind as opposed to in the face.  he likes to run, go paddle boarding, lots of walks with his dog friends, and to lay around like a slug when he isn't moving around.  he's not nearly as high energy as frank was or as the breed suggests.  i guess i'm fortunate that way.

it's been a minute... or 4

 hello!!!  back in the saddle.  back in 2021, i was training for the iceage 50 miler and things began hurting again so i thought i would never run again!

as i stated in the last post, i joined the gym and started lifting weight regularly... to the tune of 5-6 days a week. zero to very little cardio and resigned myself to the fact that i would probably never run again.

lifting gets boring as the only way to have lifting goals is to lift heavier... always heavier.  my body was getting bigger, and i didn't fit into my clothing comfortably anymore.  

last september i quit the gym i belonged to because i was bored, and i decided to join adventure rock.  i started climbing and going to yoga again weekly.  i also started running semi-regularly again too.

i have 2 races on the schedule.  

sweet home milwaukee 5K (which i've run once before) and chippawa 20 miler - both in april.

i also joined another gym very close to my house, so i will be more motivated to go.  the new schedule begins tomorrow.  i need to actually hunker down and get serious again about my fitness and running.  

we will see how it goes...