evolution

evolution: my running goals and just how running exists in my brain and life have evolved.

2 years ago i believed that i would never run again.  i have suffered so many injuries over my 13 years of running.  my goals were always to be faster and faster.  i wanted to WIN!  i believe that this stems from my insatiable desire for recognition, approval, and praise... which, ultimately, stems from the traumatic childhood that i lived through.  its amazing how everything, quite literally everything, is connected.

yesterday, i was throwing together a training plan now that i've got a couple races on the schedule.  as i was putting the training runs on the calendar, i started to feel panic and a little stress over the idea that i HAVE TO commit to all of these training runs.  i started to feel mental exhaustion just thinking about how much i'm going to have to run over the next 6 ish weeks.   let's look at that for a minute... HAVE TO and GET TO... 

i run because i deeply love running.  i get so much pleasure from working my body, being out in nature, and playing on the trails.  key word is "playing".  running is play for me and i don't ever want to give that version up.  i don't want to make running a chore that i HAVE TO do in order to meet some arbitrary speed goal.  i want to LOVE each run.  i want to LOVE that i get to do this.  i want to LOVE that my body is still capable of such things!

so i shifted my perspective which came with a deeply felt blanket of relief.  i've decided that i will loosely follow the training plan i set up, and that i will run the races i've got coming up with less competitive drive and more casual fun drive.  i want my body to continue to feel great when i run, and i think that to do that i need to get less competitive with my goals.

i have such great friends.  i had this conversation today, and it makes me feel all warm and squishy inside.  to be validated by people who love me is top notch.  

the ways in which my life and relationships have evolved, changed, grown, and expanded after leaving my husband are innumerable. it is a testament to the strength of my friendships, my newly learned ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries, and my desire to stay curiously teachable.  i was really isolated in my marriage and felt so very alone.

in many ways, my life became so much happier, fuller, and easier the past couple of years since the end of my marriage.

growing into a more fully formed human has been difficult and i anticipate all future growth will be the same... however, no matter how difficult the growing pains have been every day is a gift and i am so fortunate to be living the life i am now living.

the community of runners that i am lucky enough to be a part of is varied and vast.  i've missed running, my running friends, and the running community at large.

i'm so grateful and happy to be back.  glass 1/2 full...

everything that this body of mine can do is a gift and i'm just so grateful to be here doing the things i'm doing with the people i get to do them with. 

and that's all i've got to say about that.