for your eyes only... not really.

a lot of what i write here is so that i have a record for later.  i forget a lot.  like... A LOT.  especially my aches, pains, and sometimes actual injuries that would be good for me to remember.  so this post is going to be about my stupid leg.  if you don't want to know about my stupid leg... just stop reading right here.

monday i went to see venski.  venski is my chiropractor and he is pretty much on par with unicorns, rainbows, and pots of gold... saying i've put him on a pedestal is probably pretty accurate.  he's done wonders for my pains.  however, the buck stops there.  he has not stopped my stupid leg from hurting so now i'm irrationally angry about it.  when i was at the office i saw mike.  mike is the massage guy.  he hurts you with his fingers by finding your nerves and rubbing spots you didn't even know hurt.  yeah... he does that.


so yesterday... my leg (for all intents and purposes) felt surprisingly better.  tender to the touch but mostly better.  so much so that the 2mi run i had planned turned into a longer (of unspecified length) run in my head by the time i got home.


needless to say... that all changed the moment my feet hit the pavement in a running stride that can only be described as the lurching of a crippled zombie chasing after brains while possibly half asleep. 


HOLY SHIT...my leg hurt so bad with those first few strides that i was surprised i was "running" at all. if it can even be called that.  it was more of a death march limp trot but i lumbered on determined to "loosen up".  the thing is... i honestly don't know how to describe the pain because it isn't exactly pain.  it IS but it ISN'T.  it's a combination of weakness, pain, tightness, burning, and numbness.


i thought it would get better as the mile wore on but it didn't.  it got worse and i got slower... in fact, i am embarrassed, pissed off, and so so frustrated by that 2 mi run.  by the time i was 1/2 mile from home i was crying.  full on crying. 


i was crying for several reason.  i was crying because it hurt.  i was crying because i want to run without pain.  i was crying because i was angry that my time was 9:30 per min mile.  i was crying because i had to run past my house and back to make it to 2mi.  i was crying because it's not fair that i can't run pain free.  i was crying because this is straight BULLSHIT!


what is wrong with my leg?!?  how can i fix it?  i didn't do anything to cause it!  i don't know how to remedy it and i am about to enter panic mode.  i NEED it to heal so that i CAN run.  i need to know what steps to take so that it will heal.  no one seems to know what i need to do to make this happen.


i'm running in lapham peak tonight with the trail runners.  7mi.  i'm taping and taking ibuprofen in the hopes that it will be enough for me to get through the run. if my pain is at a low enough level to be manageable i can enjoy the run. i just want to run and enjoy it.  a little pain is fine as long as it is manageable.  *sigh*  i just want to run.